Fistula after fistula

2 weeks ago, I went for a day surgery under local anaesthesia to close up my trachestomy hole, which is also known as a fistula. Although the hole is only less than 1cm in diameter, surgeon had to cut open a larger hole at my thorat in order to stich up the gap. Normally this done under general anaesthesia due to possible pain and trauma patients have to go through.

However due to my weak heart, GA is not a possibility, so I went for LA. Doctors warned me that if I can stand the pain halfway through the operation, I need to signal them to stop and they will make me go under GA. Well, there is no way I want to be under GA, as a breathing tube will be inserted to help me breathe and I dont want to go through that again.

But the LA experience is not as bad as I thought. Despite feeling hallucinated (because I was given sedation), there was not much pain during the surgery. The feeling is like being fed with illusion pills, and you see people sweeping by in front of your eyes, you hear muffled sounds, but you dont know what is happening to you.

A day after the surgery, it was great pain and misery for me as LA ran out of effect. I cant speak, eat or even slightly open my mouth. But after enduring all that, Im so glad that the hole now is healing properly and I can also speak and breathe better now.

Yesterday I saw my heart doctor again. I was told I had an artery which was fused with a nearby vein and some blood is seeping from artery to vein as a result. That condition is also called a fistula. It was a result of the vascular catheter insertion at my neck during my stay in ICU early this year. Well, the heart doctor didnt know what to do, but referred me to a vascular surgeon on 23rd Dec. He will then decide whether I need to go for yet another surgery to separate the artery and the vein.

I was very depressed after hearing that. The miserable feeling of getting hospitalised and going under the knife came back to haunt me, once again.

Flight or Fright?

Today, Desmond went for his third referee assignment for Asean Basketball League in Brunei. He had been to Indonesia twice last month and this time was a refreshing change to Brunei. Apparently there is no direct flights to Brunei, because "Brunei is not a very pro-tourists country" as quoted by Papa.

Anyway due to officiating assignments, Desmond has been busy travelling to neighbouring countries this year. Besides a few sessions in China in 2008, he has been to Malaysia, Indonesia. Myanmar, Philipines and now Brunei.

Sounds pretty fun to fly? Not for me. Actually I'm not so sure when I will have a chance to fly again. The last time was... erm...in 2006 to Bangkok for shopping? Ya it was that long ago. With my weak lungs and heart now, it will be even more dangerous to fly, due to the low air pressure during the flight.

I was reading the SMS diary which Yanli compiled for me during my stay in hospital, yesterday. It collected all the SMS updates with vivid descriptions which Desmond sent to Yanli and the girls during my most critical moments from Aug 2009 to Jan 2010. To read all that I have been through proved too much for me and I ended up trembling in fear. But reading it made me cherish what I have even more than ever.

So, it ok not to fly la. At least I can walk quite fast now.

Poetry Days

I was browsing through my old computer today and discovered that I used to have a erm... hobby. It is such a long time ago and almost forgot about it. I used to write poems between 2005 to 2007. And I actually have a large collection of them in my even older computer which crashed and I never recovered them.

Nevertheless, I still have 2 of them left and in case I lost them again, I shall post them here. But I think my English have a lot of room for improvement!

I written the first one in early 2007:

The Wind Mill

We all knew what we want; that’s why we came here
But at the first innocent glance; it wasn’t crystal clear
The foliages and blossoms, so colorful they blinded me
Distracted by the mystified sky, I know not what is mockery

Brawn and sturdy, the windmill stood
Barely oblivious, it did what it could
It can’t leave the lush; it felt it needed them
It was their immaculate glamour, that shaped its lifeless fans

The time has arrived. I am ready to run.
To race for the tireless blades; and all its glorious garland
But what stood in front, was a barren field
As now the mill turns, for the other in lieu

Arriving at the new town, I’m helplessly lost
‘Cause we were never far away but our paths never crossed

The second one was written in late 2007 to take part in a ST Life Home Renovation Competition. It was never published of coz.


Space @ My Humble Home

The smell of home is in the Air.

There is no luxury of space, nor splashes of lavish paint;
Not to mention, that its sense of modern cosmopolitance is faint.
But it is filled with sweet memories of nostalgic childhood;
Coupled with the simplicity of life and its all we asked for, if we could..

Tired of the colorful, vivid world,
And disheartened by what power and dollars can lure.
We yearn to return to a home of lush and serenity;
Affection and warmth… just you and me.

This unpolished piece of raw jade;
To us, it is already heaven-made.
What mattered is the love that went into its creation;
And the inherent affinity for bliss in this space.

We already have a dream…
And what we envisage that is not at all warped
It just needs the special magic wand, to power it up.

I wished I was able to retrieve my previous collection of poems. Because I think I will not be able to do anything like that anymore