My first response in my mind, ya why not? Then after one sec, I realised she is already gone. It is a weird feeling but subconsciously, to me, she is still alive.
Mum's cancer relapsed in Oct 2009, two months after I was admitted to ICU. But because of my critical condition, I did not know of her situation. Whenever she visited me, she was always cheerful and looked healthy. I did not suspect anything. I got to know her condition only in Aug 2010 when I was discharged from hospital, just one month before she passed on.
I remembered her during her last week of ordeal. She could not eat, or sleep or pass urine. Due to liver failure, her skin and eyes were completely yellowed by jaundice, her feet swollen and she barely had strength to speak. Her breathing was laboured and occasionally dropped a tear.
On her death bed, everyone was around. We took turns to talk to her, out of which my father's speech touched me the most. Although she could not respond, I knew she heard what we said to her.
During my illness for the past year, my father visited and took care of me everyday, and she would be at home, alone and lonely. She did not complain, despite her health going downhill. She sacrified her life, for me. If not for me, my father and I would be at home, taking care of her and supporting her. If not for me, her health may not detoriate so fast. If not for me, she may have less stress and worry and they would become a catalyst to speed up for relapse. I feel really really sorry.
I thank God for letting me come home in time to support and see her before she go.
妈妈, 我好想你...放心去環遊世界吧
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