At Sophia's

It has been a long time since I blogged. So many things happened in this last 4 months. I started work in the first week of Jan 2011, planning on our wedding and also of coz, the GE which was held on 7th May.

I shall dedicate this post on our wedding preparations. Lets see. We finally secured our photographer for the customary and ROM and we went for our first gown fitting at Sophia in April! It was really fun fitting gowns and also seeing other brides fit the gorgeous gowns. As there is limitations on the type of gowns I can select, it was still an fun experience of a lifetime.

For months, I have been scouting on magazines on the type of halter that suits me. Found some samples and one of them is designed by Sarah Burton (Kate Middleton's designer). So the ideal dress I am planning to find will be of a similar design as these as I have a long skinny neck and chest scars which I need to hide.

The WG I chose was the first gown I fit. Sometimes, you do not need to look very far for the best things in life! It was also pretty straightforward for the outdoor gown, as there were only two gowns which has a halter neck design. We were not allowed to take any photos but we managed to squeeze in some.

As for the EG, it was really tough. Most of them are bustier, i.e. tube gowns which I could not wear. Hence there is no choice but to tailor make for a semi halter dress for the EG. Just cant wait for the first fitting of the EG in May, and hope that by then there will be more choices available for my ROM and tea ceremony dress.

I think Desmond looks great in the beige and black suits. But we chose a grey and back suits ultimately due to practical reasons, he can keep the grey suit for future work and casual use.

So the widely anticipated gown fitting ended within 4 hours, which is by all means, fast. Though disappointed that I did not get to use the gorgeous bustier dresses, I was really glad that I found the halter dress that I want.

Oh yes, I was got a pair of bridal shoes from Anna Nucci. It was a off white, blinky strappy heels of only 2 in! The ideal height that I was looking for.

My journey continues...

I remembered how I spent my new year last year. Desmond bought 6 big balloons with "2010" printed on them, to my ward and we watched the fireworks light up the sky, using a mini potable tv. At that time, I still cant talk or walk and was still badly infected. But I recalled i prayed very hard for a better and healthier 2010.

Another year has passed and so many things had changed in my life.

In Feb, after 6 months in ICU, hooked on the ventilator, doctors allowed the removal the trachaestomy tube which had helped me to breathe for half a year. The was the first indication that any recovery was possible for the very fragile and delirious Lilian. My resting heartbeat was still more than 130 per min.

In April, with intensive speech and physiotherapy, I was allowed my my first mouth of water. Subsequently, my first soft diet and my first murmur. I have not heard myself for very long and the nurses and doctor has never heard me speak.

After moving to the normal ward on 3rd May, I stood for the first time using the AJO. It was extremely painful to even straighten my knee, let alone walking. I stood for 2 secs during the first attempt.

In June, I started to walk slowly with a walking frame. This slowly evolved into a robotic walk which barely looks elegant. Every morning, afternoon and evening, I will have physiotherapy and I was very tired every day.

On 7th July, I was transferred to St Luke's Hospital and met many elderly friends during my short stay there. I was able to make myself to the toilet and shower. I started to learn how to climb stairs and carry some load while walking. I begin to make plans for returning home.

On 4th Aug, 3 days before I was discharged, my sister told me that Mama may be dying from colon cancer relapse. I cried the whole night and the following night too. I thought that she had been healthy all along and I hated myself for not being there for her when she needed me.

On 17th Sept, Mama passed away peacefully, with everyone around at her death bed. I begin my new life, with Papa, in a home which missed Mama's love and presence. I started going for chapel lessons with Desmond and Papa, and it had enriched my life every since.

On 27th Oct, I went for a day surgery to close my trachaestomy hole. It seemed to be the best decision I made this year as I never enjoyed better fresh air every since. Scars and wounds now ravaged my whole body but I don't care about them now.

I spent most of my time rehabilitating and learning new things during the last 3 months of this year. I researched on home buying, spent a considerable amount of time on the spa saga, made scrapbooks for friends, and also spend quality time with Papa, sister, Desmond and Desmond's mum. I rescheduled and made plans for my wedding in Oct 2011. I bid goodbye to my twenty-something friends and joined the exclusive 30's club on 6th Dec. I can now manage walking 1-2 hours in the shopping centre before stopping for a rest.

It had been an eventful year, a year which changed my life forever. I lost some friends and made new ones. I start learning to take things slowly and cherish the people around me. And now I am going to start work soon, after 17 months of break.

I hope I am ready to go, not run. As I continue with my journey, I thank God and my dear family and friends for being there for me when I needed them the most. And I know Mama is shining down on me from heaven.

Wish that everyone will be in the pink of health. I love all of you.

A Letter to Lee Kok Heng

Dear Kok Heng,

I read about you in an article in The New Paper published on 11th Oct 2009. I don't know you but I hope that you are doing fine now.

I was surprised to hear of your plight as, we are in the same boat. We were the first two patients in Singapore to have survived the H1N1 viral pneumonia, with the help of the ECMO machine. I see that you you were hooked on the machine on 11th Aug, 3 days after I was hooked on, on 8th Aug. We both had high fever above 39degC, visited GPs and hospitals in July 2009, but were told to go home, without being screened for H1N1, or prescribed with Tamiflu.

I did not know from whom I got the virus from, do you? I did not go overseas or come in contact with any sick people. I was also in the low risk group and had no previous medical or health history. Before I was ill, I enjoyed long distance running and all kinds of sports and I ate healthily.

Similar to you, i walked into the hospital in early Aug 2009, relatively healthy and thinking that I would be discharged within a few days. But within hours, I was close to dying.

I read with emotions on how you felt during the ECMO treatment. Because I had exactly the same feelings. I was sedated, hallucinating, and cannot differential from what is real and what is not. It felt like my soul left me and came back again. I had strings of nightmares and dreamt that I was held captive in a faraway land by terrorists. It was worst than hell.

I was glad to know that you stayed in SGH for less than a month. I was not so lucky. I had heart failure, followed by multiple organ failures, after which i caught bouts and bouts of pneumonia. I was on ventilator for many months and lost the power to speak, walk or even cough. I also had to go though 7-8 open heart surgery within a period of 2 months.

Everything is over now, thank God. And I was lucky to have survived, and was discharged from NUH after 11 months.

Now, back at home, I suffer from chronic heart failure and cannot engage in physical activities like before. I am doing rehabilitation everyday and hope that one day i will return to one of my favourite love, running.

If you read this, can you pls contact me. I would really love to meet you. Wish you good health for the new year,

God bless you,

Qiaohe

Fistula after fistula

2 weeks ago, I went for a day surgery under local anaesthesia to close up my trachestomy hole, which is also known as a fistula. Although the hole is only less than 1cm in diameter, surgeon had to cut open a larger hole at my thorat in order to stich up the gap. Normally this done under general anaesthesia due to possible pain and trauma patients have to go through.

However due to my weak heart, GA is not a possibility, so I went for LA. Doctors warned me that if I can stand the pain halfway through the operation, I need to signal them to stop and they will make me go under GA. Well, there is no way I want to be under GA, as a breathing tube will be inserted to help me breathe and I dont want to go through that again.

But the LA experience is not as bad as I thought. Despite feeling hallucinated (because I was given sedation), there was not much pain during the surgery. The feeling is like being fed with illusion pills, and you see people sweeping by in front of your eyes, you hear muffled sounds, but you dont know what is happening to you.

A day after the surgery, it was great pain and misery for me as LA ran out of effect. I cant speak, eat or even slightly open my mouth. But after enduring all that, Im so glad that the hole now is healing properly and I can also speak and breathe better now.

Yesterday I saw my heart doctor again. I was told I had an artery which was fused with a nearby vein and some blood is seeping from artery to vein as a result. That condition is also called a fistula. It was a result of the vascular catheter insertion at my neck during my stay in ICU early this year. Well, the heart doctor didnt know what to do, but referred me to a vascular surgeon on 23rd Dec. He will then decide whether I need to go for yet another surgery to separate the artery and the vein.

I was very depressed after hearing that. The miserable feeling of getting hospitalised and going under the knife came back to haunt me, once again.

Flight or Fright?

Today, Desmond went for his third referee assignment for Asean Basketball League in Brunei. He had been to Indonesia twice last month and this time was a refreshing change to Brunei. Apparently there is no direct flights to Brunei, because "Brunei is not a very pro-tourists country" as quoted by Papa.

Anyway due to officiating assignments, Desmond has been busy travelling to neighbouring countries this year. Besides a few sessions in China in 2008, he has been to Malaysia, Indonesia. Myanmar, Philipines and now Brunei.

Sounds pretty fun to fly? Not for me. Actually I'm not so sure when I will have a chance to fly again. The last time was... erm...in 2006 to Bangkok for shopping? Ya it was that long ago. With my weak lungs and heart now, it will be even more dangerous to fly, due to the low air pressure during the flight.

I was reading the SMS diary which Yanli compiled for me during my stay in hospital, yesterday. It collected all the SMS updates with vivid descriptions which Desmond sent to Yanli and the girls during my most critical moments from Aug 2009 to Jan 2010. To read all that I have been through proved too much for me and I ended up trembling in fear. But reading it made me cherish what I have even more than ever.

So, it ok not to fly la. At least I can walk quite fast now.